"So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." J.K.Rowling

http://harvardmagazine.com/commencement/the-fringe-benefits-failure-the-importance-imagination

Today, my auntie sent me J.K. Rowling's graduation commencement speech for Harvard and said she thought of me as she watched it. Whenever someone would ask me " What do you want to be when you grow up" my response ever since I was 5 years old, has always been "A doctor! A pediatrician!" as I'd announce it with much conviction and enthusiasm. But now that I've graduated college, when I can finally take my first legitimate step toward that long-lived childhood goal, my new answer is "I'm not sure yet. I'm going to take a break before I make any big moves". 

I've tried to keep up the front and deliver this new answer with the same conviction and enthusiasm, as to not worry my family and to not reveal any shame I have of myself. But after reading J.K. Rowling's speech I am compelled to resurface my true feelings of failure. 

I am not in med-school. I did not get good enough grades and did not do well enough in my classes to even apply to med-school. I am not where I hoped and dreamed I would be. I am not where I told everyone I was going to be. I have failed.

For the past few months since graduation, I have searched frantically through graduate school programs, other possible career opportunities and alternate routes into med-school - to find an answer to my life - an answer that I can give to my family when they ask what I'm going to do now --an answer that can solve the question of my identity. As dramatic as this sounds, without having a specific goal in my life, I kind of forgotten who I was. All my life, I've always been striving for something. Taekwondo competitions, getting into a good college, exam grades, course grades,the goals that I had  have always helped me define my success --where I was in life -- and therefore helped me define WHO I was. 

But now that I am not in school, I'm not in my career, and I don't know where I am heading -- I feel lost. 

Maybe the point that I'm at in my life is not nearly as drastic as Rowling's experience of failure (divorce, single parent, jobless and in poverty) BUT I can definitely relate to the feeling. And unlike the many years it took Rowling to realize the importance of failure, I have held on to the bigger picture mentality despite the emotions that I feel.

The feeling of failing sucks, but I know and understand that THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY and I AM MY OWN AUTHOR. I understand that shit will happen uncontrollably, but I have the power and responsibility to pick myself back up and learn from my experiences and mistakes. I have the power  to embark on any journey as I please. Graduating college and having no set plans is scary, yes, but can be exciting nonetheless! This is my chance to rediscover myself, take upon any and all opportunities to learn and grow,  and do everything that I may never in my life have a chance to do! Volunteering abroad again, backpacking Southeast Asia,  becoming a tutor for homeless youth, joining a research team for autism, reading, meeting different people in different fields -- are all things that I can and will be involved in! 

Who knows, maybe after the jobs, volunteer, intern and life experiences I have, I may end up in a totally unforeseen career! But whether it be becoming a doctor or on a completely different route, at least I can say with utmost conviction and enthusiasm that I have entered this journey because I chose it and I wanted it.