forever soul searchin'

I've always been searching for something that would appease my hunger for the "right" place for me to manifest my spirituality (or belief in God, if u will). I was raised as a Catholic, but as I learned more and more about the religion, more and more questions came out of my understanding. I've been to catholic churches, christian churches and even methodist churches -- but for some reason I always felt guilty -- as if I didn't deserve to be there. Not because I was a bad person, but because I wasn't always sure I believed everything that we were expected to recite.  

I've read a few books about the Dalai Lama, and it always made me feel enlightened and very curious. Last night, I finally acted upon that curiosity. I went to a Buddhist service and was blown away by how much insight i gained- so many "mhmms" and "ah hah" moments. I can't wait to learn more. 

Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

-Dalai Lama

Am I Complacent?

I almost felt guilty for not writing in this blog. Writing in this blog was my harbor for self reflection, to ensure that I was progressing as an individual -- and because I was no longer writing in here, I thought to myself, "Have I become complacent?" My life has turned 180 degrees and now that I live with my boyfriend, I no longer have the private solitude that I used to embrace. "Have I lost a piece of myself? Have I turned back into the Catrina that I fought so hard to break away from?" were thoughts that have constantly been lingering in my head.

But I have realized -- I am not complacent. I have continued to reflect and progress but instead of expressing it to an unresponsive journal, I've been sharing it with someone who understands and more importantly, cares about what I say, feel and think. It is true that my life has changed dramatically. I no longer have the wild, crazy, party animal lifestyle  (which I loved and have had without regret). I've had my fun, discovered my worth and have also built a strong and independent character that I am proud to have. But now that I have someone to love, I've come to the realization that strength does not equate pride and vulnerability does not equate weakness. And with these changes on perspective and lifestyle, I've never felt so much like myself. 

Innately, I know I am not the "I dont give a .. about anyone else, Ima do me" type of person. Ever since I was little I have always been someone with a soft heart, sensitive, and compassionate and I never wanna pretend like I'm a cold-hearted biatch again just so I can hold on to the protection against vulnerability. It feels good to love someone without holding back despite the scare of pain. It feels good to share my thoughts and feelings knowing that he supports and makes me a better person. Even though I've changed, I am more true to myself than I've ever been. 

And need I mention, I'm a lot happier..and that happiness has carried over to all other endeavours in my life and gave me the courage to truly follow what I'm interested in. I've changed my major (to psychobiology) and have found a subject that I actually enjoy studying. I'm doing a lot better in school. I've gotten more A's in the last two quarters than I did in my first 3 years of college. Also, I've changed my job and no longer work at the monotonous genetic lab. I am now a behavioral therapist for autistic children and I love it so much. I even dropped my insanely boring internship at the hospital and now volunteer as an Outreach Councilor for homeless youth. 

Changes. 

Changes. Changes. 

Progression. 

I will never stop progressing...