I've joined and participated in all the activities and clubs that I wanted to. Hawaiian club, Vietnamese Culture Night Hip-hop team, Pilipino Culture Night dance and script, teaching beginning taekwondo classes at UCLA, declared my Global Studies minor to further enhance my education further than the sciences, enrolled in my summer abroad course in Spain & Morocco, picked up a lil sis ( who I adore!), expanding and maintaining the sorority that we founded, and now have him to share all my happiness with and am giddy 24/7.
I've been a busy busy bee. Always on the go, livin' that hustle and bustle life, continuously trying to fulfill all my duties. I no longer find as much enjoyment as I did before in drinking heavily, partying, wildin' out and all that, and am now filling up that time with doing things that fulfill another part of myself....and I haven't been so happy and fulfilled in awhile.
But damn. This busy lifestyle is paying a heavy toll...on my body... and my grades. It's really unfortunate that although I'm finally doing everything that I wanna do, my grades are the ones that has to suffer. Academics is the reason why I am here in LA in the first place, and yet over and over again I find myself leaving my exams disappointed and seeing nothing but red marks on my papers.
I've always been busy, but the pre-med third year requirements are KILLING ME. And I don't think I can handle this continuous feeling of failure and helplessness anymore. Lately I've been contemplating...what is the measurement of success?
Is success getting good grades? Getting into med-school? Achieving my childhood dream of becoming a doctor? Or is it inner success that really matters? Getting involved, meeting new people, learning from people and life experiences rather than textbooks? Is it possible to accomplish both?
I've been at the attempt to do both but am realizing...I can't. I usually have too much pride to say that the word "can't" but I really can't. I never go out, I don't watch TV, I've lost the meaning of the phrase "spare time," I grind all day and all night, and anytime I'm not participating in my extra curriculars, I'm studying my ass off.
Today, I gave my time to ME. I walked around and just listened to music. I came home and sat outside and listened to the wind. I've hit the point where I just don't know what to do or what I want or what should value more. I know that everything happens for a reason and I have faith in myself that whatever path I decide to follow will be what I want, so now I'm just listening to God to show me the way....
River Rise - India.Arie
