Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009.

In 2008...

I worked myself to my limits during pledgeship- physically and mentally.

I kept going when I felt like I wanted to quit.

I gained sisters and life long friends.

I traveled to another country by myself. 

My perspective on life was broadened.

I helped out those in need.

I was on top of the clouds.

I met amazing people all over the world. 

I started paying my own bills.

I started cooking my own meals. 

We experienced the election of the first African American President.

I learned that strength doesn't equate with pride and that not all men are dogs. 

I've given up because of fear, then made myself vulnerable again, and have accepted the reality.

2008 brought fear, courage, love, failure, accomplishment, independence, realization that even the strong needs someone...

Friendship, family, school, work, volunteer, love, lust, pleasure, happiness...

Ups, downs, twists, turns...

Just as life should be as a 19 year old in 2008.

But it's a good thing 2009 is upon arrival in less than 2hrs because I'm ready for the change.

My resolutions for 2009:

*Be true to myself.
*Fill my heart with nothing but love and compassion for life, self and others
*Remove my inner demons -- feelings of bitterness, anger, jealousy and attachment.

*Be so occupied with trying to improve myself that I don't have time to criticize others
* Take better care of my body. 

*Be the best that I can be.
*Continue to have an open mind and open heart.
*Show my responsibility by being prompt, not procrastinating on tasks and taking better care of my possessions.

*Stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present.
* Stop worrying. Period.

2009, I'm soooooooooo ready for you! 

2009 = CHANGE.  

That "missing part"... that I've been talking about this quarter...

I know what it is now.

I knew that it was something in my heart but I couldn't understand what exactly. I thought it was that rewarding feeling that I felt in Costa Rica, so I put in a lot of volunteer hours, but that didn't fill the hole. I thought it was the lack of art and music, so I went to my fave spoken word joint and even tried to pick up my guitar again, and that wasn't it either.  I thought it was not being able to see my family, but I've came home and realized that there was something else that my soul longed for.

Don't get me wrong. These things still made me happy, but there was still a hole. And I'm not talking just about an emotional emptiness, but a PHYSICAL hole. I can actually feel something gone. And although I can get by...I can smile, have fun, allow other things and other people to make me happy, I knew that a part of me was missing.

Last week, after he left my house,  I realized that I felt good in my heart again. So I've been thinking and double thinking and triple thinking a lot... and it finally clicked. As much as I wanted to deny it, I know exactly what was missing in my life.

But now after all has been said and done,  I don't need to go through that whole Ms. Independent phase again in order to get through it. That whole I-can-do-better-so-fuck-you-and-your-uugggglllly-ass-girl typa messed up attitude. Gah. I don't need to flaunt how much I don't need a man to make me happy. I've already conquered that. "I know my worth...I've learned how to love myself..." yea yea yea. That's like Michael Jordan being proud that he can dunk. I'm over that hype. 

But that mastery of independence scares me. It's getting scary to know how good I am at being good by myself.  I WANT to fall in love again. I WANT to feel that good feeling in my heart again.

But that's why its even scarier to think that there could be something close to the supernatural that keeps making us bump into each other's lives. No matter what's going on, there is a possibility that there is something beyond human control that turns us into magnets, something that periodically throws reminders and pulls us back together. That's scary because even if it were true...if there were such thing as a thing called destiny, it doesn't change the reality.

But luckily over the years, I've gained something else that can help me--- Faith. 

Faith that everything happens for a reason and that God's workings always come full circle. 

Faith that what is meant to be will be. 

something's missing - brandy.

"I'm feeling such a vacancy, i don't feel whole

Wish i could put my finger on it but i don't know what it is 

I looked in every place i could seek 

Tried to find the missing part of me 

I can't explain this feeling."

WORD UP.

I really can't explain this feeling but maybe I'll give it a shot. You know when you're about to go on a big trip and then as soon as you leave the house you feel like you left something behind. You're going through your mental checklist, but everything seems to have been packed. You look at your baggage, and it all looks complete. But then there's a tiny voice in the back of your head tells you that you forgot something-- that something feels wrong. Something's feels like its missing and you don't know what it is...or maybe in my case I just don't wanna believe that I really do need it.

taking a blog break in the library.

Is the bible the absolute truth?
Or do we pick and choose what we want to believe in?

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

HAHA. Carol sent that to me and I like it.
May love overpower all hate in the world!

Nonetheless..the message in THIS bible verse is what I'm strivin' off right now.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.





Prayed last night and asked to show me some kinda light...

*Ashish called me and read me a quote: " Don't curse the darkness when you can light another candle."
* Melanie randomly IMed me and shared some inspirational bible verses
* Mary randomly IMed me and told me that the world needs more positive minds like mine.
* I really didn't lose what I thought I lost. It was in the car. Ha!


Call it coincidence or God given signs....
I'm feeling better =)

I'm not leaving the library til 8:30am. FINALS!

I've finally found some inner motivation --- kinda late. But hey. Better late than never right?

can't stop. won't stop.

<3 Jah Bless.

when it rains, it pours.

I have an old habit of adding all my problems up and laying in them all at once.

UCLA, this degree betta be worth it.

Whenever I'm stressed about things, I seem to lose my head about other responsibilities. I forget, postpone, neglect, misplace, and lose my shiiiiit.

This feeling is all too familiar.
Cut me some slack, will ya?

And as I'm loathing in self-pity...a voice inside of me is telling me that I'm wasting my time with frustration.

*Inhale. Exhale.*

-- gotta get back up. cuz the world aint gonna wait.

Note to Self: ( even though this whole blog is a random array of notes to myself )
Don't take your frustrations out on other people. Take responsibility (key word of the day)  of your own actions! 

Keep peace in your head & heart. 

Because it's so NECESSARY: 

"Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."

- DALAI LAMA

"Only just a friend the love story begins
Now here's a happy ending to believe in..."

CHANGE. HOPE. PROGRESS. INSPIRATION.

It's still overwhelming knowing that we're living in such a time of incredible HOPE & CHANGE. How lucky we are to experience history in the making! When President Obama speaks, I swear, he puts chills down my spine. He makes me feel inspired, hopeful, and proud to be an American. Although we won this battle, we still have a lot more to endure. Barack still has to prove himself and live up to all his promises. But that is why I voted for him. I have faith that he is the man who can put our country in the right direction and unite us all in peace and prosperity. 

The feeling I felt watching his victory speech is the THE feeling that I've been craving -- hope, inspiration, passion, compassion, ---that good feeling in my soul! His words had me in tears. 

--------

However, my soul is still hungry. Good music, inspiring conversations, spoken word, poetry, good literature, beautiful sights, helping others, giving, learning, God, family-- a sense of purpose.....THAT is what I'm hungry for! I'm going on a church retreat in two weeks..I've never been on a retreat before, let alone ever been really religious, so I'm hoping to gain and give a lot from this experience. 

Oh, Life. You never let me stop learning and wanting more, do ya! And that is why I love you so! I don't ever wanna settle in complacency or stop learning and absorbing all that I can.

Peace, Love & Happiness

Jah Bless. <3

Not even 24hrs after the last blog and I already feel different. Haha.

I went to church today and after communion I knelt down and I started crying! It's been so long since I've been in touch with God.

Don't really want to put it all out there, but I wanna change my pace in my lifestyle. I feel like since I've been in LA, I've just been numb-- having materialistic pleasures. Studying to get good grades. Going to work to make money. Going out to get the most of the moment. Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy but...I dont only wanna feel good on the outside...I wanna feel good IN MY SOUL. I miss having that tingly good feeling of inspiration, passion, compassion...something deeper than external enjoyment. 

If you get me on this..props to ya.

Life, uplift me. 

I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be in life. 

Everything is going smooth in all aspects.

Family-

unquestionably always good. Baby Jalen is walking now! My mom sent me a video when I was in class, and I started to tear up. Ha! Jojoe is getting too old. And I don't like that, but whatever. Lol.

Friends-

So lucky to be surrounded by the ones that I am. Nothing but Love all around. I've got the downest folks ever. We have been having so much fun lately. Laughs, sober silliness, intoxicated fun, teammate love in flag football, endless roommate fun...I love it. 

School-

Well, I guess this aspect could be improved. Ha! It has been tough but I'm really buckling down after this Halloween weekend. 

Boys-

" I'm not a playa, but I crush a lot..." =)

Work & Internship

 same ol'. No update. Ha. 

I'm at peace in my heart and in my head. It feels really goood to be content with who I am and where I am. =)

I think these are the sweetest lyrics ever!

*siiiigh* Ohh, Love. 

I think this phrase gets used a lot in my blogs, but damn, Ive learned so much-- about myself, my capabilities, about the world, and all of its different people and cultures. I'm actually glad that I always say that I've learned a lot because learning should be one of life's constants. Everything about this summer consisted of experiences that has truly broadened my perspective. Of course, Costa Rica has taught me a lot (which I have previously expressed). 

But another unexpected and inevitable experience has taught me a lot about myself as well. (Ahh..here I go with the personal emo business, sorry!) I fell in love again...and even though it didn't end up the way I had wanted, I'm thankful for the experience. I opened up a part of myself that I thought I could never unleash. For three years, I've had this " I dont need a man" attitude, too scared and too proud to put my heart on the line again. Everytime I wanted to express and share my feelings, I always held back and kept it locked in. But ___ has made me believe in LOVE again! And damn, it was beautiful...

I'm honestly really sad that it had to end because there is going to be so much that I'm going to miss...but all I can do now is trust in God that it was because there is something else in store for me. I thank___  for putting a lot into perspective for me because now I see the situation in a whole different light. 

"Take me out of the picture."

 I used to think that I had some kind of sixth sense with him..haha. As crazy as it sounds, all these years I always felt that there was something supernatural that kept me drawing me to him. After not talking to him for forever, I would all of a sudden see everything that reminded me of him again and then a couple days later he would call and we would try to work things out again. These signs always had the same outcome and were without a fail, so I began to (naively) take it as a sign of destiny. But this last time that it happened...he never called. The "signs" never were signs of destiny, they were just little emotional attachments that I never let go of. The number 27 is just a number. Packers are just a football team. His name is just a common name. Seeing these reminders over and over again isn't any persuasion of fate, its just me trying to connect everything that I see back to him. It really is what it is. It's been a crazy endless roller coaster of emotions but now that I know I can love again, I'm ready for it with open arms, a clear and healthy mind and a clean slate. 

Wow. I really went off tangent with that one. A little too much insight, but oh well. Ha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really happy with my life right now. This summer, I've made efforts to improve myself and challenged myself in all aspects. I've accepted what I couldn't change and am ready for whatever God has in store for me. This school year, I'm going to try to approach it in all the right ways. In my classes, work, internship, sorority, clubs...I'm really going to give it my all. With positivity and courage in my heart and all the lessons learned, I'm ready to get down to business, get on my grind and have a shitload of fun.

Just when I think I have a good grasp, Life makes me realize I still dont know SHIT.

Mental Notes:

- too much play and not enough work! but that is gonna change. Balance is KEY.

- Stop being bitter! Relaaax & Be happy for others. 

- Incorporate what you've learned to where you are instead of being who you used to be when you were there. 

Learn. Grow. Enjoy!

On a lighter note..

I LOVE THE APARTMENT LIFE!

I feel like its another step to adulthood-- having to pay cable and electricity bills, having to cook meals, constantly being on a budget for evverryythiiing.. but i liike it! 

we got a cute lil thang goin on over here.

Cammille, we can't wait til our team is complete!

UPDATES!

So I've suddenly grew an outburst of energy and wanna join everything. Ha. 

- Taekwondo

- Tahitian/hula

-Ukele Lessons

- and the most exciting of them all...CO-ED FLAG FOOTBALL! Chi Delts & Slayaz (aka Berren and his friends)  

we had our first practice yesterday and it was sooo fun!  its funny how the boys are so        serious and all us girls do is act silly and play around. =)

today is my last day in the BAY.

and what a summer it has been!

This year is gonna be THE YEAR. I know it. Our own apartment with my bests, a car, a sorority up and running, being upperclassmen...

IM SO EXCITED!!!!! =)

08-09 GOALS:

*No C's

*Go to office hours without being scared to talk to professors

*join a dance group/class/event

*take leadership roles in job/clubs/sorority 

*volunteer, volunteer, volunteer!!

*work out! (maybe start tkd again..hm)

*less stress over the busy & hectic life

*absolutely NO dwelling 

*PURA VIDA. 

peace, love & faith

 FREE. 

I gotta give it to them. These ode folks know how to get down...

They had me hugged up against the toilet that night. haha.

I love my family/friends.

Random Mumbo Jumbo.

because i GO HARD. Kanye is capable of creating nothing but hitters.

This song was produced by Babyface and sung by various artists as a battle against Cancer. But I dedicate this to my sister CAMMILLE SANTOS!  Don't give up, babygirl. Stay strong.

* There was a driveby shooting down my street yesterday and another shooting next to my moms house on wednesday. STOP THE VIOLENCE, PEOPLE!

* 911. Rest in Peace! My prayers are with the victims and their families.

* I'm getting excited to move into our apartment! 

* I cant wait to see my LA sisters & homies

* I cant believe how spontaneous I acted yesterday. The biggest spur of the moment decision I've ever made! I'm so nervous! AHH! lol.

* I wish _ I miss _ =(

* but  wowzers! Timing is being good to me right now =) 

I put my faith in Him and trust that everything that is supposed to happen will. 

OVERLOVED - paula deanda

(my forever on repeat song.)

FIN

I cant believe this amazing experience has came to an end.  I have gained and accomplished exactly what I wanted and more. Ive learned about another culture and got to experience living in another country, I have strengthened my spanish skills, took a step toward my career, put out a hand to help humanity and have met people from all corners of the world. Everyday on bus rides, waiting in line for something, at work, at the store, in spanish class, in the homes of my host family, friends of friends, family of friends...Ive met a bazillion of amazing people who have broadened my perspective on life, who have shared with me their stories and experiences, who make me want to be a better person, more knowledgeable about the world, and inspired to do more. 

Ive never had white friends before, and the girls that Ive met, have now became my life long companions. This trip would not have been the same without my German girls, my buddy and roommate from Kentucky and my partner in crime from Montana. These girls are great. 

And my Costa Rican family was wonderful too. My host mother was so nice, funny and loving, who immediately made feel at home. And my hermanito, Dani, was so helpful, fun and incredibly lovable. If I ever return to Costa Rica, I know I have always have a place to call home.

Im so thankful to have all these life changing individuals. 

However, I do admit...this experience was a lot more successful than I had anticipated. There were many nights, especially in the beginning, where I was scared, nervous and uncomfortable...but I managed to bring out my courage and get through it. 

Ive gained a lot of self confidence during this trip. Many people claim they want to travel and do this and and do that, but I actually got up and did it. I had a goal, a dream, a passion to do something and I did everything I could to make it happen. However it wasn't easy. I had to save money during all of last school year, working as much as time would allow me to, putting ever paycheck to my savings account without even looking at the balance and have sacrificed my shopoholic urges. I did my research to find a flight and legit volunteer program that met my educational and financial needs without anyone holding my hand. But it wasnt just the money and time that was required to make this happen. It took a lot of growing, hurting, learning, strengthening and self love that I had to put in to get to a point where I could even desire this experience. In the last two years since Ive been in college, Ive changed...drastically. Before I wasnt able to do anything on my own. It was hard for me to even be by myself in my own room...I hated being left alone with only my thoughts and my insecurities. I had to constantly be out, with my friends, with my family, surrounded by an environment that made me feel good about myself.

But now, I no longer search for my happiness and completeness from my surroundings, because I have found it all in myself. And with this happiness, completeness, independence and self love,  it allowed me to have more love for life in all of its components. Understanding my own worth allowed me to want to give myself to the world because I know that I have so much to offer. It made me want to escape from my own little comfort zone and become hungry for more. I gained a passion to learn everything I can about other countries, cultures, ideas and people...a passion to experience everything possible from this world, and live life with endless positivity and courage, life everyday is the last.

Ive went from a girl who couldnt do anything on her own, who wouldnt join any sports or activities unless someone made her or joined it with her, who was so dependent on others, who understood alone as lonely, to a young woman who can travel to another country, a country that doesnt even speak english, by herself, without anyone holding her hand, happy even if left in only her thoughts, becase her heart is full of nothing but love of self, life, and others. 

Now that this trip is over and done, and Ive accomplished what I wanted to achieve, for the first time ever, Ive realized that there is nothing that I cant do. If  I have a goal, a dream, a passion to do anything at all, I know that I can make it happen. I can do anything that I want and achieve all that I desire.

The world was always mine..

I just to get up and reach out for it. 

My weekend in Monteverde was great. That canopy tour over the rainforest was insaaane. I was soo scared.

I have so much to say about my weekend but I dont have time to right now so Ill come back to that later..

Yesterday I experienced the most drastic emergency of this trip. We got a call about an 87 year old woman who had lost conscience and stopped breathing. The drive there was crazy beacuse there was so much traffic and it was heavily raining. I was getting so mad at the drivers who wouldnt get out of our way and worried out of my mind for the woman whose life was dependent on our every second of time. By the time we got to her home, she had fortunately raegained her conscience and was breathing again, but was hooked up to her oxygen mask and her body was quivering. Her daughters were crying and I put my hand on one of their shoulders, and she put her hand on mine, and I felt my eyes swell with tears. The paramedics examined the patient with the EKG machine and we hooked her up to our oxygen tank. When we got her to the hospital, I was pulling her gurney from the front so that her face was facing mine, and I will never forget the look she had in her eyes --- so blank, cold and still. Her daughers were bawling heavily and I tried my best to look strong. We left as soon as the doctors had control so I dont know what happened but my prayers are with her and her family.

Work was very slow yesterday and we spent a lot of time at the base, but it was okay because the paramedics taught me where all the vaccinations and medicines are in the ambulance so that he can say, ¨ipenophrena!¨ and then I can go and grab him the epinephrine and what not. Cant wait to put my knew knowledge to work!!

Mann I hope I can write a sufficient blog, but bear with me because Im sick again! See what had happened was...I went to Volcan Poas today after my 24hr shift at work and while waiting at the bus stop, I met this really nice chinese couple from the bay area. They let me use their camera battery because mine died during the bus ride. And sooo..because were at such high elevation at the volcano, it was freezing cold and raining, and the chinese lady that i met was only wearing a tanktop and shorts! Sooo..i let her use my umbrella while I got soaked in my raincoat that I learned was not impermeable. It actually is very permeable because my clothes were drenched underneathe and I spent an hour and a half in bus with the AC on full blast, freezing my butt off ..so in conclusion-- i have another fever.

But its ok. At least I was very fortunate to have successfully got to the place and back, safe and sound, all by my self, and was able to see the crater of the volcano! Most people dont get to see it because its usually blanketed with clouds, but lucky ol me, it was crystal clear today and it was BEAUTIFUL. I must have been staring at it for 20 minutes straight, amazed at how incredible nature is. I could see all the different layers of rock and earth, and the crater was bubbling with steam with beautiful vegetation growing at its rim. Ahhh...I wish I could upload my pictures! ( oh yea, my camera broke from the rain. )

I was helping this same couple get back to their hotel because theyve never been on public transportation in this country and dont speak much spanish, so I helped translate directions from others. I felt pretty good about that. Haha. When the couple finally reached their destination, an older lady that sat next to me on the bus said to me, in spanish of course, '' you know a lot. Are you japonese¨ I told her no, and explained to her that Im Filipina American and am volunteering here for a month. She asked how old I was and when I told her 19, she said ¨and youre riding this bus alone?! you have to know a lot then¨ I responded saying that I really dont and that Im just brave. Her response was ¨si, estupida¨ Hahaha. I couldnt stop laughing. I wasnt offended because it was that very moment I realized that I have never been able to say Im brave before. Its usually the other way around--- I usually know and am capable of more, but am not confident or courageous enough to act upon it. I could name a zillion incidents that this has happened. And here I am, doing exactly what I want, going exactly where I wanna go, and not letting fear stop me.

Crazy.

thank you God for this amazing life!!

En serio. I had an awesome weekend in Puerto Viejo de Limon. I completely fell in love with the place. Its in the carribean coast, with beautiful beaches, and a culture that is unlike any other in Costa Rica. Most of the locals there have Jamaican decent, so they have an accent but speak spanish. Its so tight!! So almost every store, restaurant, and bar are painted in red, yellow and green, bumpin their reggae music, and owned and filled with dreadlocked rastafarians. I LOVE IT.

The first night we got there, we went to a reggae club and had a blast. Probably one of the best nights Ive had thus far. I had soo much fun. Ive always wanted to go to reggae club and when I finally get to go, Im actually at one thats legit. lol. Brittany + Me + cervezas + tragos = FUN FUN FUN. (So much fun that I didnt even notice I was attacked by mosquitos during the night and am currently completely covered with red bumps and having to take pills and using cream to cure this incredible nuisance.)We didnt get to our place, which was a cool little bungalow surrounded by tropical trees and birds, until 4am and laughed ourselves to sleep about something I cant even recall.

The next day was supposed to be spent at the beach, but unfortunately it was raining so we had to stay inside. Well it actually wasnt that unfortunate because the folks that we met the night before made me forget all about our broken plans. They took us out to eat and we spent hours talking about crazy stories of the past...and yes..in spanish! Although I was doing way more listening than talking..I thought it was so cool how Ive improved enough to understand it. Then later that day we went to a rodeo bull show thing, which I did not like. I dont know if its me being too uptight but... animal cruelty does not entertain me. But after we went to another reggae-salsa-club and had another really good night.

Our last day, we finally accomplished spending the day at the beach...and it was AWESOME. The first beach we went to was isolated in its own little corner and was so calm and relaxing. The second beach we went to was just as beautiful but filled with the local rasta surfers. When have you ever seen dreadlocks on a surfboard...sooo tiight! I told you I fell in love with the culture lol.

I was really proud of myself. If you know me, you know that Im more of the ¨doesnt matter to me¨ or ¨i dont know¨ or always-getting-lost kind of girl. But this weekend, I booked our hotel, made sure that it was at an ideal location, scheduled our bus departure and arrival times, planned what clubs and bars we should hit up and it couldnt have been more successful.

But now Im back in Heredia, sad to have left a place that I for sure want to return to.

Today was my day off so I went to a coffee plantation (coffee is Costa Ricas largest export) and then went to the Museo for The Peace. The current president won the Nobel Peace Prize so the museum is dedicated to him and all the efforts of others who strived for the same goal of world peace like Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama. It was pretty cool. I have work tomorrow from 8am to 8am the next day, and am going to a volcano right after. In case your wondering, I went to the plantation, museum and am going to the volcano alone and by bus. Im managing to get to all these places by means of public transportation in a place without any street names and drivers who only speak spanish.


Look at me...Im slowly but surely growing up :)

my first day on the job

it was loco. My first day was pretty damn surreal. When I first arrive to the base, Im thinking were going to be here for a couple of hours, jus chillin, but little did I know, fifteen minutes later, were rushing down the stairs, throwing our stethescopes around our necks and zooming through the streets. I swear, I felt like I was in a video game-- maximum speed, running through red lights, driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a huge adrenaline rush. We were out on duty for 5-6 hours straight..call after call. Most of the cases were minor, thank God, but what was really interesting were the hospitals. There arent any individual rooms, just a huge space filled with patients and their beds and occasionally a curtain to separate each sickly patient. (it reminded me of the infirmaries that youd see on TV during WWII.) I dont think I could participate in that always-on-the-run lifestyle permanently..its hard on the body and the mind.
I had to keep reminding myself to look confident and act like I knew what was going on. Supposedly, my feelings tend to be clearly written on my face, so I didnt want the patients or their families to wonder why this worried and concerened little asian girl is even here. It was tough because not a single word of english was spoken so it was difficult to understant the situation. But I manage and amde it through my first day. We only had one call in the middle of the night, so other than that it was pretty cool.


This weekend Brittany ( my new friend from Montana) are going to the Carribean!

PURA VIDA!

thats the Costa Rican saying..the literal translation in english is pure life and i think it really captures the mood of this country-- very positive, happy and tranquila

¨Pura Vida couldnt explain this feeling any better. I am so in love with my life and all that I have been blessed with! I love all the people that I have met, the extremely nice familes that I have stayed with, the experiences that Ive had and the many more that I will embark on in the next two and a half weeks. This is definitely an opportunity of a lifetime.

My three day weekend was great in Quepos. We finally got to see the rainforest and beaches that we were expecting to see and finished each tiresome day with some drinks at the bar. Although it rained, we still had an amazing time nonetheless. Ohh..I surfed! Well...kind of. Kathryn and I got a good deal on board rentals and decided not to hire a teacher because we assumed that we could teach ourselves by watching others. But wow..it looks way harder than it looks. My lil ass couldnt even get past the part where the waves break. I just kept on getting smashed by the big waves AND my board. Whoever was watching me must have gotten a good laugh. Haha. However, I did manage to catch some baby waves and almost stood up! I met this guy from San Diego who has been living in Costa Rica for 6 months and he tried to help me, but I was a lost cause.

By the time we arrived home in Curridabat on Sunday night, we were soo tiired, dirty and stinky. Four hours on the bus, right after a whole day at the beach! My last day in Curridabat was supposed to be Monday, but because the girls wanted to go to a Salsa and Merengue class in San Pedro, I decided to stay one more day. The class was so fun! Im glad my infamous sweaty palms didnt act up because we had to dance with partners. Although none of the guys had much rhythm, I had a good time and I cant wait to use these new moves at the Discoteca Salsa this Thurs or Friday night! haha

So Im done with my spanish class in Curridabat and now Im in Heredia to start my volunteer project tomorrow. My shift with the ambulance company will be 24hours on and 24 hours off...pobrecita Im going to be spending a lot of time at the base just waiting for our calls. The manager told me to bring a sleeping bag and my ipod.

I love it here with my new host family!! There is a mother with three sons (25,22 and 15) and a few other girls who attend the nearby university that live here too. Everyone is so nice and welcoming..I feel very lucky to be here. (AND they have internet!)

I will be uploading my pictures soon so get ready for it

P.S. i miss you ♥

estoy muy feliz =)

I am really enjoying myself here. I admit, the first few days were intimidating, but I think I´ve got the hang of this thing ... and I like it. I´ve moved into my first host family home, which I will be staying at until next monday, and I´ve started my spanish class. In the house, there is my host mother, who is incredibly nice, her husband, who is a little weird, and the grandmother. None of them speak english, but even if the husband could, I dont think I could understand him anyway. He´s one of those old people who could stare out the window for hours. Today, he put a plastic tarantula near the table to scare us while me and the other hostees were eating lunch. Haha! Speaking of the other hostees, I love them! There are two girls, Mara & Mariel, from Germany who stay in the room next to me. They are going to be volunteering in orphanages and schools in Costa Rica for 5 months. I´ve met many new friends who are among the nicest people I´ve ever met. They all made me feel really comfortable and at ease.

Right after I settled my things in my room, I had to go to the first day of clase de espanol. I´m in a private organization so the class is only open to those who are in the organization, with a maximum of 5 in each session. There was me, another girl from Germany, and a guy from Norway. The class was informative, but everything I already learned so I ended up going into the intermediate course. Woop woop! hah. That first night, Mara and Mariel introduced me to two other girls, another from Germany (Clara) and one from Kentucky ( Kathryn) who I will be living with during my volunteer project. We rented a chick flick, laughed, (and of course I almost cried) and then spent the night swapping intresting facts about our countries. It´s so sad how ignorant America is! Most people from other countries know multiple languages and are very knowledgable about the world..but us americans...we think that our country and our language is worth knowing about. Que lastima.

On tuesday, besides my morning class, I spent the entire day in bed because I had a high fever. I felt cold but my body was burning hot and sweaty. But after good rest, I guess I was much better because I was able to go to the bar with the girls that night. Haha. So I´m looking
at the coctail menu for something cheap but sounds good right... too bad I end up buying a non-alcoholic drink!! Haha. Oh well..guess it wasn´t meant to be.

Yesterday, after our morning classes and going to the internet cafe to call our parents, we planned on going to the movie theatres but it was too raining hard to go. Actually...it rains every single day. I think thats why I got sick. I was expecting nice tropical weather, but I guess tropical requires rain. I wish we could have gone to the movies because on wednesdays its only 2 american dollars! But instead Mara and I spent the night watching half of season 2 of FRIENDS
:)

Today, as we were on our way out of the house I had a blood nose! It was one of those that you think will never end. My poor host mother was probably thinking ¨this damn sickly american girl!¨ Haha. Kathryn, Mariel and I went to San Jose again to buy the bus tickets for our weekend trip. We don´t have school tomorrow because aug 15 is mothers day..and here in costa rica, its a national holiday! Talk about girl power! So friday morning through Sunday, we´re going to the coast where we finally get to experience the nice tropical weather, sandy beaches, exotic plants and animals....the Costa Rica that we´ve been waiting for! I´m so excited!

With that said, I´ve been really enjoying my time here. Well, everything but nighttime. I swear, I feel like an insomniac! I either can´t sleep or wake up every hour. I´ve even literally tried counting sheep. Haha! If it wasn´t for Snuggles and ¨my ninja¨ I don´t think sleep would ever be accomplished.

Oh! Kinda random but interesting -- my english got worse!! Wow..just to write that last sentence took me a while. First I had ¨gotten worse¨and then I put a ¨had¨ in front. Ayy...the combination of learning spanish so quickly and constantly breaking down my english for my German friends is messing up my own native language! I think in english, but I try to translate it in my head in spanish and then if i don´t know how, I try to learn. My spanish-english dictionary became my new right hand man. ( But you´re still my fave, Shellane! lol ) So if the grammar is off in these upcoming blogs, Im sorry! But at least my spanish is getting better! This other volunteer who stayed at my host family´s house said that if ¨you´re english is getting worse that means fluency in spanish is around the corner.¨

¡Hola de Costa Rica!

So i´ve had my first whole day here in San Jose, Costa Rica!

I arrived last night at 7pm and it was already pitch dark! They don´t do daylight savings here so it gets dark early. Becuase the airport is in the capital, San Jose, it´s pretty civilized and touristy. However, the hostel that I´m staying at gave me a scare. As the shuttle is taking me to the hostel, we go from the ¨touristy¨main street to the straight up slums, and the driver stops and says ¨ok estamos aqui.¨in front of a tiny building that is damn near deteriorating with a security guard in the front due to the increased amount of robbery in this city. I almost pissed in my pants. I´m given my key and it takes me forever to find my room, as I´m lugging a 65lb luggage and an enormous backpack. I finally find the room, and when I open the door, I almost piss in my pants again. There are two TINY connected rooms with TINY 4 little bunkbeds with no bedsheets, and nothing else. Not to mention, the locks on the doors don´t even work. I tried to keep cool, but the place is loaded with strange looking backpackers, who look well traveled, way older, and scary! (However, I manage to meet another college student from NYC who has just arrived from a 12 hour bus ride from Nicaragua.) When I called my parents to check in with them, I couldn´t help but cry! I didn´t want them to sense my fear and nervousness, knowing it only make them more scared then they already were, so I quickly got off the phone. I had the hardest time sleeping. Thank God I brought my snuggles. (I sleep with my teddy bear that my dad gave my mom when I was born. I know. I´m 19. I sleep with a teddy bear.) I thought I was gonna wake up with all my belongings goone..but fortunately everything was okay.. I think I was so scared because how uncomfortable I was, but I´m over it now.

I had a great day in the city. I woke up early and had breakfast near the parque central and watched the locals try to persuade the tourists to buy whatever they were selling. Many sock sellers. Weird. After breakfast,I went to sunday mass at this really nice cathedral. Catholism is big here, it being colonized by the spaniards. I didn´t understand a word the priest said, but whatever. Haha! But after that, I went to the museo de precolumbia y arte and seen lots of interesting artififacts and contemporary art. Then I walked around and seen this tight ass art gallery.My dumbass forgot my usb cord for my camera, so I can´t post pictures, but just trust that it was soooo tight. Then I went to the museo nacional where I learned more about the history and then drifted off to the parque nacional. There were so many couples there...kissing and embracing one another. I don´t blame their extreme PDA because the parks here are pretty romanitc. (Made me miss you know who a lil bit)

After, I decided I should come back to the hostel. The sun was soon coming down and I was NOT about to walk through the slums ALONE. But yes, to everyone´s surprise, I got lost. But it´s not entirely my fault..see...there are no street names here! I hate it. When you ask for directions here, they tell you how many blocks to walk or use landmarks to identify a location. This is not very effective for my poor sense of direction...pobrecita.

So now here I am, back at the hostel´s internet lounge, after a FULL day of nonstop walking, my repetitive ¨no intienda¨ and ¨que??¨and the countless number of men hissing and cooing at me, but was nonetheless, very enlightening and fullfilling.

I´m feeling more at ease and excited about what else is ahead of me.

Tomorrow, I start my spanish class and get to leave this creepy hostel.

six more hours til I leave the country

I'm scared shitless.

I've been waiting for this for many months, but now that's it really about to happen, I'm getting really nervous! Nervous and excited. This journey I am about to take part of is sooo out of my comfort zone and my innate personality, but everything that I want and need. I'm going to another country, where english is hardly spoken at all, with my (as we all know) poor sense of direction and decision making, and with no one to help me, but myself. I can't wait to see the person that I am going to be when I come back. (Maybe I'll come back and never lose any of my possessions ever again!! ha!)

The first week that I'm there, I'm going to be staying at a dorm at the university in the capital of Costa Rica. I'll be taking spanish classes 4 hours every morning and then having the rest of the day to explore on my own. The next three weeks after that I'll move in with my host family and do my volunteer work on the paramedic ambulance. Lord, please give me the strength to stay composed and strong no matter how graphic and emotionally unpleasant the scenes are!! *sigh*

I've been doing a lot of reading on the country and it gives me butterflies thinking about all that is ahead of me. The capital is known for its architecture, music and art, and God knows I'm a huuuge fan of alla that so I'm excited. And of course the country itself is known for its tropical rainforests and beaches, being one of the top tourist countries to visit, so I'm excited for that too. 

MUST DO'S:

-Canopy Tour (so I can swing down a treetop!)
-Hike up mountains/volcanoes
-Rainforest Tour - wildlife watching
-Beach
-Art Museums

-Watch a theatre production 

-Festivals 
-Clubs & Bars
Complejo Salsa (54 y Zadidas en San Jose)
-Eat Authentic Costa Rican Food
-Meet lots of people & have the time of my life!

Life, I'm comin' at you HARD. 

because it's EVERYTHING I NEEDED to hear before I departed.

" I just wanted to write you a little something before you left for Costa Rica!

First, I just want to say how proud I am of you in putting it on yourself to take this journey. Despite all the wonderful things you will be doing helping humanity, I know you will be doing a greater service to yourself, allowing yourself to BE, to live, to RELAX, to embark on a journey to find a greater sense of yourself... and for that reason, I could not be more excited for you! 

Sista, the time is NOW and I could not be more excited for you thinking of the even greater person you will be when you get back. For all the bullshit you went through in the past and all the people that have hurt you and you've forgiven, I pray that this trip for you will be an experience full of an even greater LOVE for life, LAUGHTER with NEW friends, OPENNESS to what lies ahead and simply LIVING the way you imagined YOUR life to be.  

So my dear SISTER & former roommate who I've seen grow in leaps and bounds, ENJOY every moment of this trip. I know how you get when you contemplate too much, but I pray that you rid all of your nervousness and questions about the future, your misgivings about yourself and just allow yourself to be in the present. ALLOW yourself to indulge in all the things that provide you pleasure while you are there, because you are totally DESERVING of it. I'm telling you now, BUY that dessert that looks delicious because I know it will taste fucking good OKAY. :) Take that leap (safely!) off some rock into the ocean even if you're scared, you may never get to do it again! 

I can't wait to witness the beautiful person that will get back when I see her this fall. Please be safe, enjoy yourself to the utmost, if you need anything leave it up to the Lord, he will provide.. and keep me updated on your blog if you can!  

I love you so much Catrina!!! Your sista,

Cammille Santos"

i fucking love you,CAMMILLE SANTOS!

Now let me soak every word in. *inhale. exhale*

gotta keep my heels on the ground...

and not over my head.

i can't stop smiling.

GIDDY.

GIGGLY.

excited. anxious. 

last night my cousin told me i was giggling and smiling in my sleep. HA.

its getting scary how happy i am-- scary cuz i dont want it to stop.

YIKES! 

LOVE LANGUAGE - Talib Kweli

"Women thrive on emotions, men refuse to acknowledge
So when we arguin nobody win
Words get in the way time and again
Sticks and stones break your bones words break your heart
Whether you in touch with that part or not say "word"
Words are weapons for the revolutionary
Used for evil make the situation very scary
Word up, but love is brave
It flies in the face of fear
Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there"

Word. 

- Repeat with the volume at its max! LOOOOVE everything about this song and video. Keri Hilson. So hot right now.  (Thanks Cam!)

Okay. One week before I leave for Costa Rica. No School. No Work. 

TO DO:

- read A New Earth

- spend time with family!

- 106 Summer Block Party

-pack 

- kick it with the girlies

-take Malaria and Typhoid pills (because I'd rather not take the vaccination shot!)

-STUDY SOME ESPANOL!

Random Pleasures.

DAYUUM. I miss Da Poetry Lounge. You know Shihan? ( with my all-time favorite, "I want a love like.." piece) Yea, this is his joint in LA --mm mm mm..its my fave place to be enlightened. But yea, this poet's piece is sick. Thanks Lily!



Mos Def's brother has mad skills too!


GETTUM, Passion! Props.


i lightweight want this tee. Ha!


"JaMarcus has a rocket arm you have to adjust to," rookie running back Darren McFadden says. "He's a young quarterback who has the potential to be a great one." -- THAS WASSUP! I think I'm feelin a Raider comeback! =P


Word.




...Okay. I guess I should go to sleep now. Its 2am and I've got class at 8am! Life on the run-- just the way I like it!

on some personal shiiit.

I've spent three long years in an internal battle with myself -- falsely swearing to myself and all my girls that i was done for good, forcing myself to believe that I don't want him anymore, searching for every fault and obstacle to convince myself to let go...trying to terminate any drop of hope for our fairytale ending. I've strived off of that "women independence" and vowed that I would never put myself in a situation to be so helpless, hopeless, desperate and empty ever again.

So here I am after three years of the single life. I've moved to the other end of the state, partied like a crazy animal, explored many potential guys, had many unforgettable experiences, captivated the strength from the women around me, fought by myself, worked hard by myself, and have never been this strong in my life. Three years ago, I would have never been able to imagine that I would be the strong woman that I am today. I've learned to love and appreciate all that I have and to always keep my individuality and positivity intact. I've learned to never take my friends and family for granted because they are my only solid ground. I've learned how to be a complete individual without the security and comfort of a man.

But see. Although I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to grow and learn and to be complete, I haven't been completely happy-- because in the back of my head and in the bottom of my heart, there was always something I knew was missing. I almost forgot what butterflies, getting excited to see a certain name on the caller ID, hugs & kisses that set my world straight again felt like. And see-- these feelings have never left me since the day that I met him. Six years now and I STILL get giddy. Crazy, right. I know I'm still young...but theres something inside of me that doesn't want these feelings to end.

As of today, I have no idea where this relationship is going...summer fling, forever...who knows. All I know is that I'm happy when I'm with him and he fills a part of me that makes me intensely alive. I've tried so hard to lock up my thoughts and feelings for so long, but now..I just want to take this good thing that we've got and run as far we can with it. I want to love him with my guard finally down. I want us to put away our pride and simply enjoy each other. And if this is a mistake, then at least it was memorable, it made me happy and I had the courage to go for what I wanted.

Meet me halfway, baby, and lets see where this road will take us.

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, or even months over analyzing a situation: trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, should've, would've happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
- TUPAC

FEAR is a little biatch.

I can not believe despite how much Ive grown and how much Ive learned, I still have that little girl inside of me who is so scared to liiive-- scared to take a chance, put myself out there, deal with pressure, scared to fail, scared to let other people down, scared of what other people will think.

Wow wow wow. It still amazes me how coward-like I acted.
WHO DOES THAT?!!

From here on out, I'm going to utilize every uncomfortable, frightening situation and conquer it.

REMINDER TO SELF:

ALWAYS GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Never doubt your capabilities. Never back down.

I'm having a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time and its called lack of self-satisfaction.

I'm not really liking the person that I am right now. Nahh. This aint no emo shit. Im not referring to my physical assets or personality traits. I'm talking about my behavior, attitude and reactions. I know I've got business to handle and I'm not using my time wisely. I'm feeling lazy and sluggish and my mind is not focused. I kinda feel like I'm settling for mediocrity--- Mediocre performance and mediocre expectations. And that's SO NOT ME! I enjoy knowing I'm going above and beyond and I never stop going for more if thats what I want.

But I feel like ___ is an anchor. My mind is completely consumed by _____!  As I'm tryna sail away to this place and that place with ____, ____ got me just chillin', stuck in this same familiar rut of complacency. I feel like I'm tryna pull that anchor up so we can sail together, but that anchor is koo right where we are. So instead, we're still, treading water.

 I stay searching for the good in every conversation and then left feeling unfulfilled. I feel like a fool making so many excuses to myself to keep giving it another shot. Damn. I want it soo bad. But theres only so much I could do.


"Fantasy is what we want but reality is what we need." - Lauryn Hill

i knew i shouldn't have drank that cup of coffee.

its 5am and i can neither focus or sleep. Greeaaaat. What a wonderful waste of time--something I have a limited amount of! 

-My mom said to love light-heartedly-- something I don't think I've ever done in my life. 

-I've got a crucial weekend ahead of me. Sweat, tears, and no sleep here we come!

It's alright. You know why? Cuz everything is alwaays alright. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna live it better, smarter and happier. 

Gah. Life, you're so crazy. But how I love you so. 

videos i wanted to share.

one that makes me strong.



one that makes me laugh.


no significance in the common theme of these two. randooom.

Slow Down - India.Arie

I called my Dad today and as soon as I said "hello" he knew something was wrong. I told him all my complaints and struggles, and he set me straight again.

He told me that he doesn't feel at all sorry for me. Rather pitying me, he's excited for me! He told me that "the process" is strengthening me in ways that he wish he could have. He's happy knowing that I'm pushing myself to my limits in every aspect-- Body, Mind & Soul -- I'm strengthening EVERYTHING I've got. He said that when this is all over and done, I'm "going to be a woman, a STRONG ass woman."

He said that when I was little, I would wake up every morning and look for him. Anytime something ever went wrong, it was my dad that I would always cry out to. And now, I'm living and striving on my own. He told me how proud he is of me and happy to see how much I've grown.

Aghh. Just writing this is making me teary eyed.

emotional rollercoaster.

happy. then emo.
positive! then irritated.
confident. then nervous and apprehensive.
strong. then sudden loss of motivation.
focused. then totally distracted.


Ay.

Dear Life,
You've got me twisting and turning right now. My only solid ground is my faith. Faith that "if God has brought me to it, He will surely bring me through it."
Love,
Emo Ass Catrina

Glow in the Dark = best concert ever.

the show started at 730. we got there at 5. people were waiting in line since 11am.
we cut.

& hustled our way to the front.




lupe was tight.

N.E.R.D. put on a show! They got folks crowd surfing. And Pharrell is the finest man ever.

Rihanna was hot.

but KANYE is the biggest star of the universe. He KILLED it.

"hey mama" almost had me in tears.

Got trampled over. Got stuck behind a tall ass dude and in between a bunch of big girls who kept grinding on me. People were fainting & fighting. Came home from SD around 3:30 & I have a Physics Midterm in two hours.


But OH WELL!
cuz Kanye HELLA made it worth it.
Cot DAYUUUM. He's the shit!

its funny how you can be so quick to give advice to other people, but never know what to do with your own situation.

current mood: uhh. dont know how to put it in words. let me put it in songs...

* teedra moses- complex simplicity
* india arie - private party
* mary j. blige - just fine
*mariah carey - love story

Just Fine - Mary J.Blige

So apparently Xanga is not cool anymore.

I've been having the urge to stop and reflect on myself, but I didn't want my first entry to be negative, so I've waited until I could get to THIS point.

This week was rough. Boy oh boy. The rigorous pre-med courses, my monotonous job at the research lab, busy intern work at the hospital and the never-ending, mentally and physically EXHAUSTING life of a sorority pledge...*sigh* If I could only share my experiences...

I hit a really low point this week. Exhausted, discouraged, no motivation...I would walk to school/work and just stop in my tracks and sit down-- not wanting to keep going. A bazillion things to do, NO time, and not a singe inch of me WANTING to do ANYTHING at all.

But! I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same"- Carlos Casteneda

And I think I put in enough work being miserable. I'm ready to be strong again. It's times of struggle that we discover our true character and I want to be someone that I'm proud of. And even if my day is rough and seemingly impossible to tackle, I want to be able to go to bed knowing I gave it my all and wake up feeling stronger and ready to do it again even better.

I've gotta stop looking at the bajillion things I've gotta worry about and accomplish one task at a time, because in retrospect, Life aint really that bad. Aint that bad? Actually, Life is FUCKING good.

There is soooo much more I should be happy about than there is to be stressed over.

I'm currently...
- gettin' back on my A-game-- with school and "business"
- getting back on that positivity tip.
- taking it day by day from a fresh new start. Meeting at the 50 & applying what ive learned from what Ive lost-- prepared for the worst but HOPING for the BEST.