"So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." J.K.Rowling

http://harvardmagazine.com/commencement/the-fringe-benefits-failure-the-importance-imagination

Today, my auntie sent me J.K. Rowling's graduation commencement speech for Harvard and said she thought of me as she watched it. Whenever someone would ask me " What do you want to be when you grow up" my response ever since I was 5 years old, has always been "A doctor! A pediatrician!" as I'd announce it with much conviction and enthusiasm. But now that I've graduated college, when I can finally take my first legitimate step toward that long-lived childhood goal, my new answer is "I'm not sure yet. I'm going to take a break before I make any big moves". 

I've tried to keep up the front and deliver this new answer with the same conviction and enthusiasm, as to not worry my family and to not reveal any shame I have of myself. But after reading J.K. Rowling's speech I am compelled to resurface my true feelings of failure. 

I am not in med-school. I did not get good enough grades and did not do well enough in my classes to even apply to med-school. I am not where I hoped and dreamed I would be. I am not where I told everyone I was going to be. I have failed.

For the past few months since graduation, I have searched frantically through graduate school programs, other possible career opportunities and alternate routes into med-school - to find an answer to my life - an answer that I can give to my family when they ask what I'm going to do now --an answer that can solve the question of my identity. As dramatic as this sounds, without having a specific goal in my life, I kind of forgotten who I was. All my life, I've always been striving for something. Taekwondo competitions, getting into a good college, exam grades, course grades,the goals that I had  have always helped me define my success --where I was in life -- and therefore helped me define WHO I was. 

But now that I am not in school, I'm not in my career, and I don't know where I am heading -- I feel lost. 

Maybe the point that I'm at in my life is not nearly as drastic as Rowling's experience of failure (divorce, single parent, jobless and in poverty) BUT I can definitely relate to the feeling. And unlike the many years it took Rowling to realize the importance of failure, I have held on to the bigger picture mentality despite the emotions that I feel.

The feeling of failing sucks, but I know and understand that THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY and I AM MY OWN AUTHOR. I understand that shit will happen uncontrollably, but I have the power and responsibility to pick myself back up and learn from my experiences and mistakes. I have the power  to embark on any journey as I please. Graduating college and having no set plans is scary, yes, but can be exciting nonetheless! This is my chance to rediscover myself, take upon any and all opportunities to learn and grow,  and do everything that I may never in my life have a chance to do! Volunteering abroad again, backpacking Southeast Asia,  becoming a tutor for homeless youth, joining a research team for autism, reading, meeting different people in different fields -- are all things that I can and will be involved in! 

Who knows, maybe after the jobs, volunteer, intern and life experiences I have, I may end up in a totally unforeseen career! But whether it be becoming a doctor or on a completely different route, at least I can say with utmost conviction and enthusiasm that I have entered this journey because I chose it and I wanted it.

I stepped outside the cafe to take a study break and sat on the rocks as I watched the waves of Venice Beach. As I'm chillin with my headphones blastin' Goapele, fireworks shoot across the sky and I can't help but think this was done just for me. Don't you love when things happen at just the right moments? I felt like the universe was celebrating with me, to force to me recognize all the blessings and accomplishments that I have obtained and achieved -- the best family, the best friends a limitless future and the establishment of our sorority that we worked so hard for 3 years. 

Yesterday, after all of our hard work and sacrifice, my sisters and I were granted our chapterhood. To the outside, world these words mean nothing...but to US...it means everything. There were so many times when I forgot why I was doing this..times when I hated the org, times when I wanted to leave it..but now I can't even imagine where my life would be without it. The one thing that I really wanted from doing this was to have made a difference and I think I did. I've made my mark. We all did. My sisters have definitely set the standard for every future chi delt to be strong within themselves and I think I have influenced it in a way so that chi delts here on out are also compassionate and conscious of the world around them. Proud of myself and so very proud of my sisters. So thankful to have such amazing and admirable women surrounding me. 

Congratulations, Chi Delta Theta, Zeta Chapter. We did it. 

Independence Day

Today America is celebrating our national independence, but this morning, I spent it celebrating my own.

Today I feel free. I woke up early, took a long jog, ate breakfast at the French Crepe place that I've always wanted to try on Venice, stopped by a mexican juice bar to get melon fresca and am now sitting in front of the bbq pit, grilling and taking a break from my Dalai Lama book. Today I feel free. I feel like like this world is my very own.

Yea, I've got some problems -- the emotional rollercoaster that I ride with my boyfriend as he goes through his own personal issues, the bills I need to pay for with money I don't have, and the unclear future of a post-graduate life that lays before me. But to me -- this is the way life is supposed to be. Life isn't meant to be flawless. We're all supposed to have problems because thats what makes us wholesome, stronger, better people. If I didn't have a challenge in my life, thats when I'd be worried. That would mean I've hit a place in my life where I would never EVER want to be -- complacency. 

 

So this morning that I spend in solitude, I realize how sure I am of myself, how sure I am that I belong in this world, and how blessed I am to have everything I have. I hate when there is a massive gap between my last blog because there is so much that I want to reflect on and too many lessons/experiences/feelings that deserve to be expressed. 

To start with, last week was my dad and Anna's wedding and I never thought I could be so happy. Ever since my parents divorced I longed for the day they would get back together. And after I accepted that wouldn't happen, I longed for the day they would both find genuine happiness and a love that could surpass what their last couldn't. So seeing my dad look into Anna's eyes as they said their vows replaced  a puzzle piece of me that has been long missing. If my parents are happy, I am at peace. 

I feel so at peace with who I am and where I'm at. I acknowledge that the identity I hold and situation I'm in will never ceases to change, but I am content with it. I feel strong. Strong enough to find completeness without anyone but my family and strong enough to give myself to someone who deserves my love. I feel confident - confident that I will work through all my obstacles and achieve what I desire to accomplish. I feel humble - humble enough to know that I really know nothing and that the world has so much more to teach me. 

More to come. Boyfriend is finally home. Now that he's able to move around again, we can relive our past summer and bike ride through this beautiful amazing city. Venice beach, I know you've missed us. 

Society's interest in other people's personal lives amazes me. I was on ESPN's website and instead of NBA playoffs making headlines, there's stories on Roethlisberger's sex scandal and updates on Tiger's marriage/divorce. You turn on the TV and instead of good quality television - we have reality T.V. Cmon! What happened to shows with moral messages in the end like the Cosby show and Full House! And I'm such a hypocrite because what do I do with MY spare time?? Facebook and twitter...DAHH..Why are we as a society so consumed by other people's drama? 

That's why this blog of mine always puts me in a teeter totter of wanting to express myself without giving myself away. It's crazy to know that someone who barely knows my name can go onto one of my social networks and know everything about me -- from hobbies to my deepest feelings. 

I dont know if its because I'm writing a paper on Globalization right now, but its amazing to me how intrusive our society is getting. 

Our world is getting smaller and smaller. 

If a celebrity is dating someone new, gets a new haircut, gets some plastic surgery, cheats, falls in love, it hits headlines! The reality TV stars who we consider celebrities are people who live the same lives that we do! And on the smaller scale, why is it that people are more likely to reveal their problems and feelings on public websites than they are to their closest friends?? Why do we get consumed by how our thoughts and feelings appear on the internet more than the actual issue? 

When I was with my family at venice beach, I was so caught up in trying to upload my twitpic that I missed my baby brother go down the slide!! 

Dahh...EFF that. I refuse to give into the system. I'm gonna continue to express what I want to express for me and only me. 

I will get through this. 

I am becoming even more and more in awe of the role of just being a woman. To simultaneously take care of the family, the home and work, while keeping integrity and sanity is rough but god damn, my mom is effin good at it. She is strong, beautiful, loving, and gives her all to the ones she loves and has so much respect and value for herself. I continuously strive to be stronger because I have her to look up to. She understands me like no other person in the world could and am so thankful to have her in my life. She's my bestfriend. 

Happy Mothers Day, Mama. 

You either grow up or fall down.

Just as I’ve barely dipped my toe into adulthood, encountering the previously mentioned financial problems, God has pushed me into the deep end and I’ve been forced to tread through waves of responsibility after another.

 

Almost 3 months ago, Alvin ruptured his Achilles tendon during taekwondo practice and has been severely disabled since. He can barely move around and is forced to stay in bed, while I, at only 21 years old, 

1. must take care of him,

2. take care of the apartment, 

3.cook

4. clean

5. be a fulltime student while trying to graduate

6. work 6 days a week

7.  participate in chi delt events almost every other day.

 8. maintain my own sanity

It gets rough. I get resentful, I get tired. I get mad. I get sad. I get mentally and physically exhausted

But there are days and moments like these when I can pause, and reflect on my growth and be proud of my progression as a woman. I can look back and see that it’s a “beautiful struggle” because it’s worth it. As I’m writing this I can’t help but tear up and be thankful to God for giving me the strength to push though.  I am thankful to God for giving me a man who I WANT to work hard for and blessed life to live for. With any aversive experience I always try to ask myself if I’ve gained anything from it  and I see so much growth from this. I have been able to juggle all of my new acquired responsibilities without dropping any ball. I’ve learned how to love and take care of another person without having to sacrifice my own priorities and duties. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and this hardship is making ME stronger as well as my relationship.

As I’m quickly approaching graduation, I feel ready and better prepared for the struggles that the Real World brings. The end of college means the end of my youth and the beginning of real independence. I’m scared in a sense that life wont be as structured and predictive as college is, but I’m excited knowing that the real world means that anything is possible and confident in knowing that I am better equipped to handle it.  Life is only gonna get harder but I'm only going to get stronger.

Bring it on, Future. I gotchu. 

God Grant Me The Serenity.

It has been a long time since I've found myself in this familiar feeling of helplessness. I swear I feel like I've been here so many times before. You know when everything seems to been going so well and you become so comforted with nothing but good things going your way. THEN! all of a sudden --- BAM! A whole bunch of bad news splatters you. That dualism of fortune and hardship is ever so inevitable, man. 

I had an amazing Valentines day with my amazing boyfriend in a cabin in the snow. We went snowboarding, drank champagne, relaxed in the jacuzzi...it was great. As I'm still on the natural high of reflecting on how grateful I am for all that God is giving me, I get a phone call that makes me sick to my stomach. A unfortunate event that I thought was over a year ago came back to haunt me even harder. 

Money, debt, credit, bills, mistake,  regret, stupidity, disappointment, self-pity, apologies...

And of course when one thing goes wrong in my life, all else follows the trend down misery lane. I'd list all that's effed up but it would really sound too pathetic and self pity is so damn draining.

Hardship is all a part of life's journey. It maintains the very equilibrium of life because without it, there is no pleasure. I just gotta keep swimmin'.

"Sure you're screwed up, and sometimes you do dumb things and you forget that you are a human being, but the most wonderful thing about you is that, no matter where you are, you have potential to grow. You are just starting. There is only this much of you now, and there is an infinite amount to discover and to find!...Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect." 

- Leo Buscalgia