Peace out 2011!

2011 has been the most eventful year of my life. If I were to describe it in one word, I'd say 2011 was a year of loss. The loss of expectation for the perfect partner, breaking up with Alvin. The loss of my identity, moving back home and not knowing what I'm going to do with my life. And mostly, the loss of one of the most important people to me, my grandma. This year broke down my sense of reality. It made me question everything that I counted on most. This year made me think "If that could happen, then what else could be true?" There were many moments that I felt confused and unsure of anything at all. How could me and someone so compatible with my heart, mind and soul not work out? How could I, with all of my hunger and passion, not know what I'm going to invest it in? After four years of growth and progression, why am I back at exactly where I was before I left? How could my grandma, someone so important and involved in my life, all of a sudden be gone? Why wasn't she able to have just a little bit more time here with us? Why did she have to go now...

Throughout this year, some of the questions I had have been answered and some will never be. In that long, eventful year, the second phrase I'd describe it with would be coming full circle.

Alvin and I are slowly working things out. Beginning our relationship with a fresh start, free from resentment and grudges, and resurrecting the reasons why we fell so deeply in love with each other. Our relationship is once again built on encouragement, support, love, the commitment to make each other happy and ensuring that we bring the best out of each other.

And although I still remain in the "same spot," I have mentally progressed many steps forward. I've figured out my plan and have a goal to strive for. I know I want to get my phd in psychology and now have to take all the steps needed to get there. My hunger and passion for making a difference will be invested in the mental health community that I've grown to love. I am continuing to work with autistic children and am now volunteering at a neurodevelopment clinic at UCSF and am more intrigued and sure that I am headed in the right direction everyday.

I guess you have to lose yourself to find yourself again.

However, losing my grandma is never something I'd say there was a justified reason for. I'll always be wishing she was here with us. But I am thankful that my family has grown closer because of it. She was the matriarch of our family, so in the loss of her presence, we all have came together to continue to what she always wanted for us -- to be happy and to be together. I still have my moments of break down, but I know she is not far. She is doing what she has always done -- watching over us.

So in conclusion of this eventful year of loss and coming together, I embrace 2012 with open arms. I will continue to strive for positivity, kindness and growth. I am going to embrace every opportunity that comes my way and not let fear or security take it away, because you never know when that chance will pass or when the people with you will be gone.

The day before my grandma passed, I complained to her about where I was in my life. I told her that after finishing college, I felt like I needed to know what my next step was. I vented to her about my feeling of confusion and desperation. Then, as she listened with a smile, as if she saw a bigger picture that I was unaware of, she gave me her last piece of advice...


"Relax, trina. Enjoy this."

So simple, yet powerful. I didn't realize the magnitude of her advice then, but I realize it now. Live in the present moment. That's what I've got to do from here on until forever. I will continue to strive for the goals in my life, but never be so caught up in the destination, that I forget about enjoying the journey.

Cuz life is a beautiful struggle.