Ringing In The New Year of 2010

reflecting back on 2009 ---

- new found love

- new passion with volunteering with the homeless

- new job as an autistic therapist

- new major - psychobiology

- forgiveness with old love

- learning how to give instead of how to guard myself

- studying abroad in Spain

- moving in with the boyfriend

- no more party animal lifestyle

- rearranging priorities

- getting good grades

- more listening instead of debating

- more appreciating instead of complaining

- more sanity

and now in 2010...I plan to

- maintain my priceless relationships with friends and family

- always have time for myself

- keep balanced with my heart and my mind

- keep soul-searchin for God

- keep acknowledging the bigger picture in every situation

- stay positive about my open-ended future

- cherish every moment of my last year of college

- get FIT!

- stay on top of all my responsibilities

2009 was an amazing year. I cant wait to embrace you, 2010. With an open heart and an open mind...I'm ready for everything you're bringing!

-

dopeness!

FINALS!

This is the first time in  my academic career that I am not losing my mind during finals week. I'm usually a nut case! -- studying every waking moment, not sleeping, not breathing, mind all over the place! I would clutter up my mind with so much worry. But right now, I feel SO composed. I haven't taken any time off from my 6-days-a week job and I have not skipped a beat with my other curricular activities either. 

Now that I'm a senior, I think I've finally learned how to manage through college. I've found that balance and sanity are just as essential as focus and hard work. I've also found that life really isn't all that serious!! You cant make mountains out of mole hills. 

With two finals tomorrow morning, I usually would be thinking "EFF MY LIFE." But today as I was driving home from school, I was singing and dancing merrily in my car ( as always ) and I could't help but think that damn! life is goood. Working hard feels good and is already an accomplishment in itself. Why be stressed about whether my hard work is good enough? 

Anyway. On that note, I guess I should go back to studying.

Love & Happiness, Everybody. Love & Happiness. 

forever soul searchin'

I've always been searching for something that would appease my hunger for the "right" place for me to manifest my spirituality (or belief in God, if u will). I was raised as a Catholic, but as I learned more and more about the religion, more and more questions came out of my understanding. I've been to catholic churches, christian churches and even methodist churches -- but for some reason I always felt guilty -- as if I didn't deserve to be there. Not because I was a bad person, but because I wasn't always sure I believed everything that we were expected to recite.  

I've read a few books about the Dalai Lama, and it always made me feel enlightened and very curious. Last night, I finally acted upon that curiosity. I went to a Buddhist service and was blown away by how much insight i gained- so many "mhmms" and "ah hah" moments. I can't wait to learn more. 

Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

-Dalai Lama

Am I Complacent?

I almost felt guilty for not writing in this blog. Writing in this blog was my harbor for self reflection, to ensure that I was progressing as an individual -- and because I was no longer writing in here, I thought to myself, "Have I become complacent?" My life has turned 180 degrees and now that I live with my boyfriend, I no longer have the private solitude that I used to embrace. "Have I lost a piece of myself? Have I turned back into the Catrina that I fought so hard to break away from?" were thoughts that have constantly been lingering in my head.

But I have realized -- I am not complacent. I have continued to reflect and progress but instead of expressing it to an unresponsive journal, I've been sharing it with someone who understands and more importantly, cares about what I say, feel and think. It is true that my life has changed dramatically. I no longer have the wild, crazy, party animal lifestyle  (which I loved and have had without regret). I've had my fun, discovered my worth and have also built a strong and independent character that I am proud to have. But now that I have someone to love, I've come to the realization that strength does not equate pride and vulnerability does not equate weakness. And with these changes on perspective and lifestyle, I've never felt so much like myself. 

Innately, I know I am not the "I dont give a .. about anyone else, Ima do me" type of person. Ever since I was little I have always been someone with a soft heart, sensitive, and compassionate and I never wanna pretend like I'm a cold-hearted biatch again just so I can hold on to the protection against vulnerability. It feels good to love someone without holding back despite the scare of pain. It feels good to share my thoughts and feelings knowing that he supports and makes me a better person. Even though I've changed, I am more true to myself than I've ever been. 

And need I mention, I'm a lot happier..and that happiness has carried over to all other endeavours in my life and gave me the courage to truly follow what I'm interested in. I've changed my major (to psychobiology) and have found a subject that I actually enjoy studying. I'm doing a lot better in school. I've gotten more A's in the last two quarters than I did in my first 3 years of college. Also, I've changed my job and no longer work at the monotonous genetic lab. I am now a behavioral therapist for autistic children and I love it so much. I even dropped my insanely boring internship at the hospital and now volunteer as an Outreach Councilor for homeless youth. 

Changes. 

Changes. Changes. 

Progression. 

I will never stop progressing...

I remember when us four would be at lolo and lola's house in the room upstairs...gossiping about boys and who knows what. Our pre-teen years don't seem so long ago at all. Now we're getting older, maturing, finishing up our last years of college, all living on our own and trying to make it in this world. Christina got married this weekend and it's just now hitting me!

We're old. We're adults now.

And it's making me also realize how amazing our family is. Despite what we have gone through...our low lows, high highs, death of loved ones, the birth of new ones...we always manage to be there for each other. The Calub family has been through a lot but it has only made us stronger. We've definitely had our drama like any family does..but this family of mine is a strong, solid rock. I'm so thankful that I have them to fall back on and them to look up to. I couldn't ask for better parents, cousins, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews or grandparents. I love you all.

Welcome to it, Allen. 

I still haven't gotten used to Spain's schedule.  I mean, I absolutely love the siestas but it's kind of annoying when you're hella hungry or in immediate need of something and all the stores are closed because everyone is at home taking their nap break. Nonetheless, I'm still in love with Spain. Where do I even begin to catch my blog up with my trip! 

I missed the last class trip again because a couple girls and I went to Jaen to go to EtnoSur, an ethnic music festival. It was dope! It was a huge fest of hippies and rastafarians from all over jammin to some latin reggae and rock bands. The scene was a whole different world. Dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, natural jewelry, unbathed bodies, little drum circles scattered throughout, weed brownie sellers, people drinking and smoking all over the streets...and with all of this -- NO COPS and NO FIGHTS. It was pure harmony amongst everybody. It was a good break from the historical tourism and a good insight into some real culture.

But I aint gon lie...the castle we visited yesterday, The Alhambra, was probably the most amazing thing I've seen ever in my life. It used to be a muslim palace that got taken over by the christians...but the architecture and art still remained. My God it was beautiful. The palace was HUGE and each bit of wall, ceiling, door, every bit of it all was designed with intricrate carvings of flowers, arabic writing, and beautiful designs. The outside of the palace was even more amazing. The gardens and water fountains were like being in a dream. That place is how I imagine heaven to look like. 

Today is our last night to go out in Granada so we're going to go to a gypsy cafe. We have to leave to Morocco at 4am Thursday morning. I'm excited but a little nervous to go. It is a muslim country so there are so many regulations! Women can't be out at night our else they'll think we're prostitutes! And we have to cover our shoulders and knees when we're out in public. I cant wait to experience it though! 

I've learned a lot during these past three weeks. Yea, I've learned a lot about spanish history and the muslim influence, but I've learned a lot more about people. It's almost been like a reality show here! Thirty students from all different backgrounds with a range of ages, put together to live with each other in a different country for one month. It's interesting to see what kinds of people click together, what makes them drawn to each other and what separates them from the others. It's interesting to hear what they choose to converse about, complain about, gossip about...I've learned how different people's values are and how much their background is dependent on it. 

Before this trip I was already changing, but with this experience I am learning even more about myself. Instead of telling everyone all about me, I am becoming more humble. Instead of forming opinions, I am being more open-minded. Instead of assuming, I am understanding. Instead of talking more, I am listening. Instead of following and going with the flow, I am going my own path...An incredible thing is happening to me....

I'm changing....I'm growing...I'm learning...

Albazin: ancient town of Granada

Flamenco dancing in the Gypsy caves

My dance partner. I was one of the audience members who got picked to go on stage! Ah I was embarrassed 

Castle at Salobrena

I jumped off that cliff into the sea. I was so scared but I knew I'd regret it if I did'nt do it!

Limestone caves. This place was AMAZING. 

This past week in Granada has been good. I forgot to take my camera, but all of our class excursions have been pretty cool. It's crazy how the architecture is still strong and standing for thousands of years. During the week, we have our excursions to different historical sights in the morning, class lecture after, then the night is ours. And of course nap time in between all of this. I love the siesta (nap) aspect of spanish culture!

But during the weekend, we have optional class trips. This past weekend was to Cordoba, an ancient Muslim city...I appreciate this historical experience, but I wanted to do something else with my free weekend, so my friend Ashley and I went to Malaga, a beach town off the Mediterranean. GREAT DECISION.

After our two hour adventure of trying to find our hostel, we went to the beach, ate lunch and drank sangria. It felt good to lay out in the sand, read my Dalai Lama book, and refresh myself by jumping into the Mediterranean Sea. 

Then we went to the Picasso museum. Malaga is the city he was born in. Although he only stayed there for 3 months and rarely ever came back, Malaga still honors his work with a HUGE museum. 

Then we went back to the hostel to prepare for the night. We bought boxed wine, bread and cheese..such a classy European dinner....and chilled on top of the roof of the hostel. By the time it hit 1am, the time the night begins for Spain, we hit the streets and had a blast...

The next day we wanted to go to an Old Muslim Castle that was 5 minutes away...but to get to the top up was 30 minute uphill hike, and it didn't go well with our hangover so we just stayed near the bottom and admired the artistry of the ancient building. 

Now were back in Granada, catching up on our rest. I stayed in last night and slept until almost noon today! It felt so good... Although I am having the time of my life, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't already homesick

Today I decided to go for a run. It's fun travelin with lots of people, but within this huge pack of 30 students, I still miss my solitude. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a little America bubble within Spain. I reflected back on my promises to myself before this trip and my goal was to truly immerse myself in the country, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to take afternoon runs around this city and go beyond the area that our group limits itself to and observe and appreciate all the beauty around me. This country is beautiful and I want to take full advantage of it it. 

I’ve been waiting to do this…

Although I absolutely love all my classmates, I miss my solitude. Right now, I am sitting at an outside café, with a cup of coffee, my reader in hand, while observing the life and people around me and thanking God for it all.

I am having a great time... Yesterday was our free day in Madrid and we started the day off at the Flea market-- nothing too exciting. But then we went to the Museo de Prado, an old history art museum. The place was huge. They say it takes days to experience the whole thing. We had to take breaks to rest and barely seen half of it! The art was beautiful though. Most of it illustrated bible stories or old spanish life. 

After, we went to watch the Bullfights. I was so reluctant to go because I went to one in Costa Rica and had to leave early because i was so uncomfortable. But here in Madrid, they actually KILL the bulls! But I reminded myself that it's a cultural custom/sport and if I'm in Madrid, it's a must. I closed my eyes most of the time unable to watch the gore, but the art and skill was pretty cool i guess.

But now I'm in Granada. BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL city. I love it here. The street lights are decorated with garland and colorful lights with tiled side walks. Our professor told us he had a surprise for us at night, and took us on a strenuous walk. We walked through a Mediterranean marketplace, with a cobblestone ground, and up and up we went, huffing and puffing our way to our surprise. Thirty minutes later, we found ourselves on a leverage facing the city. It was the most beautiful view I have ever seen in my life -- the view of an old Muslim Castle, the city lights below, mountains in the background and a full moon hovering it all. And to make it even more perfect, a local was playing his spanish guitar, completing the ambiance. *sighh* 

I'm excited to spend the next three weeks here...

Hola de Madrid!

 

This city is so BEAUTIFUL. It’s surreal.  It’s like being in a movie set!  BUT! It’s so expensive here! Oh my goodness…my taxi cab from the airport cost over 55 dollars (37 euros) and it didn’t take more than 20 minutes to get here.  I still cant get over it.

Although I was initially prepared to explore the city for a couple of hours until our orientation, I decided to sleep instead because I was so bitter I didn’t want to spend any more money! Haha..But I was really tired anyway. Some kid on the plane was playing a game on the back of my seat and was pressing the buttons hella hard so I couldn’t sleep! My head was knocking the whole trip.

            But anyway, my first day was great. Everyone seemed really cool during the orientation. That was the first time we all met each other. After, my professor took all 30 of us out to dinner at this beautiful outside restaurant. It was sooo gooood. We had tapas and sangria. I swear…every meal that I’ve had here, I’ve had with sangria. 

Then we toured the city…and I fell in love with its beauty! My professor showed us historical landmarks and he ended our tour with a trip to an Irish pub. He’s a tank!

            Today we toured to the Visigothic capital of Spain, Toledo. HOLY TOLEDO! It looked amazing. It was built as early as the 10^th century and has been continuously built and rebuilt by the different conquerors throughout history so there was different influences of Rome, Christianity, Muslims, Arabs, Jews…it was pretty cool. The streets were super narrow, since they weren’t built for the convenience of cars. You could almost touch both hands to each side of the tall buildings surrounding the street! Well… actually everything seems to be narrow here in Spain. The cars, the streets, the people..even the damn dogs! Hella skinny dogs!

         

   But after that we came back to Madrid and had dinner at expensive restaurant! Meals were over 30 dollars a plate! Everything in Europe is super expensive. Not good for my frugal mindset! After dinner, our teacher took us to another pub. It was fun. I swear, our professor is a G. This city does not sleep. The streets are still FILLED with people, all the shops, street venders and restaurants are still open and are super busy. People don't sleep here until 5-6am. Even old people are out! Instead of sleeping at "normal" hours, they take naps. I wish our culture functioned like that! That would be so efficient for my lifestyle.

            So now im up at almost 4am, writing this blog. I gotta wake up in 3 hours- - still not used to this time difference! Tomorrow is our free day to explore the city and do whatever we want. Cant wait!

I´ve packed all my bags and am waiting at the airport, almost ready for my journey to one of the world´s most beautiful countries. Before I arrive to Espana, I need to prepare myself mentally. I need to prepare my mind for openess to all, absorbancy, and nothing but a positive attitude. I wat to emerge myself in the culture and soak in everything that the land and people have to offer. I want to do nothing but enjoy this lifetime experience of studying in Spain, not wasting a single moment. I want to meet lots of interesting people around the world, turn my fellow UCLA students from stangers to friends, go to world reknown  art museums and architectural sights, hear authentic Spanish music, dance and enjoy myself at bars, eat authentic spanish food and take  in all the ambiance that i could never experience anywhere else but here in spain.

 i want to enter this journey with safe caution, but without any fear. More and more I am conquering the timid girl I used to be, who never did or participated in anything unless someone held her hand or did it with her.  More and more I am becoming someone who is determined and independent enough to do everything in life that I desire. More and more, I am believing in and living the phrase " the sky is the limit,"  allowing myself to explore all my interest and passions without letting anything or anyone stop me.

I am truly blessed to have the life that I have. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more -- The most loving and supportive family, true life long  friends, ( who I thank for calling and visiting me before I left!)  the most amazing  and thoughtful boyfriend, and a life of accomplishment and internal fulfillment that has just begun, awaiting my compassion for people and passion to learn about all corners of the world.  Thank you God for all your blessings.

So before I step foot on the plane, I am promising myself to enter this journey with nothing but positivity , an open mind, humble thankfulness and preparation for an exciting, unforgettable life experience. 

Spain, Here I come.

i never knew a love love a love like this...

its gotta be somethin for me to write this.

My soul and my mind is stimulated everyday… and my heart just grows fonder and fonder along with it. My love doesn’t only grow for him, but also for life and all of its entirety. The world is even more beautiful with him in my life. It’s more than just the love bug that has planted beauty in my vision. I always wanted a man who wasn’t just my intimate partner. Any man can hold you, kiss you, talk to you late at night, and give you the comfort of having “someone” and be fun enough to pass the time. But it takes a special individual to connect with you internally. And god damn…this guy vibes with me in everyway possible. He not only understands me, he makes me want to be a better person, and the more I learn more about him, the more I learn about myself.  

He Heals Me -i.arie.

taking a much needed step back from my current crazy reality and read my old blog. came across this entry...

"Sunday, August 12, 2007
this is gonna be a random ass blog.

I just need this shit for reference. to remind myself whenever the time may come. from the relationships that went wrong and the ones i see go right...theres some things i know i want my boyfriend to have. i aint here to change anybody, but if i were to commit myself to ONE (lucky) guy, he would have to fulfill these standards.

1. focused. must be driven to achieve success. no scruuub.
2. respects me, my feelings and my priorities.
3. honest and real
4. aint too proud to admit he's wrong and able to apologize
5. ENJOYS making me happy and shows he cares with actions, not words.
6. provides the special comfort and intimacy that only a significant other can give to make a rough day all better
7. buys me whatever i want and amazing in bed.


hahaha. jk. the last one is a lie. but the other six are foreeal. I really dont think its too much to ask for because everything i want from him, is everything i know i can offer myself. i know. random ass blog. but if you know i have a boyfriend, then you already know six things about him."


And now back to studying.
I hate genes.

Questions of the day

1.) What are you doing with your day that makes you so busy?

2.) What makes you happy?

2.) Is what you're doing making you happy?

what is the measurement of success?

Lately, Life couldn't be any more beautiful. 

I've joined and participated in all the activities and clubs that I wanted to. Hawaiian club, Vietnamese Culture Night Hip-hop team, Pilipino Culture Night dance and script, teaching beginning taekwondo classes at UCLA, declared my Global Studies minor to further enhance my education further than the sciences, enrolled in my summer abroad course in Spain & Morocco, picked up a lil sis ( who I adore!), expanding and maintaining the sorority that we founded, and now have him to share all my happiness with and am giddy 24/7.

I've been a busy busy bee. Always on the go, livin' that hustle and bustle life, continuously trying to fulfill all my duties. I no longer find as much enjoyment as I did before in drinking heavily, partying, wildin' out and all that, and am now filling up that time with doing things that fulfill another part of myself....and I haven't been so happy and fulfilled in awhile. 

But damn. This busy lifestyle is paying a heavy toll...on my body... and my grades. It's really unfortunate that although I'm finally doing everything that I wanna do, my grades are the ones that has to suffer.  Academics is the reason why I am here in LA in the first place, and yet over and over again I find myself leaving my exams disappointed and seeing nothing but red marks on my papers. 

I've always been busy, but the pre-med third year requirements are KILLING ME. And I don't think I can handle this continuous feeling of failure and helplessness anymore. Lately I've been contemplating...what is the measurement of success? 

Is success getting good grades? Getting into med-school?  Achieving my childhood dream of becoming a doctor? Or is it inner success that really matters? Getting involved, meeting new people, learning from people and life experiences rather than textbooks? Is it possible to accomplish both?

I've been at the attempt to do both but am realizing...I can't. I usually have too much pride to say that the word "can't" but I really can't. I never go out, I don't watch TV, I've lost the meaning of the phrase "spare time," I grind all day and all night, and anytime I'm not participating in my extra curriculars, I'm studying my ass off.   

Today, I gave my time to ME. I walked around and just listened to music. I came home and sat outside and listened to the wind. I've hit the point where I just don't know what to do or what I want or what should value more.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I have faith in myself that whatever path I decide to follow will be what I want, so now I'm just listening to God to show me the way....

River Rise - India.Arie

WAY TOO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT 

happy. happy. happy. grateful. appreciative. humble. positive. busy. good busy. giddy. change. good change. happy. happy. happy.