Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009.

In 2008...

I worked myself to my limits during pledgeship- physically and mentally.

I kept going when I felt like I wanted to quit.

I gained sisters and life long friends.

I traveled to another country by myself. 

My perspective on life was broadened.

I helped out those in need.

I was on top of the clouds.

I met amazing people all over the world. 

I started paying my own bills.

I started cooking my own meals. 

We experienced the election of the first African American President.

I learned that strength doesn't equate with pride and that not all men are dogs. 

I've given up because of fear, then made myself vulnerable again, and have accepted the reality.

2008 brought fear, courage, love, failure, accomplishment, independence, realization that even the strong needs someone...

Friendship, family, school, work, volunteer, love, lust, pleasure, happiness...

Ups, downs, twists, turns...

Just as life should be as a 19 year old in 2008.

But it's a good thing 2009 is upon arrival in less than 2hrs because I'm ready for the change.

My resolutions for 2009:

*Be true to myself.
*Fill my heart with nothing but love and compassion for life, self and others
*Remove my inner demons -- feelings of bitterness, anger, jealousy and attachment.

*Be so occupied with trying to improve myself that I don't have time to criticize others
* Take better care of my body. 

*Be the best that I can be.
*Continue to have an open mind and open heart.
*Show my responsibility by being prompt, not procrastinating on tasks and taking better care of my possessions.

*Stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present.
* Stop worrying. Period.

2009, I'm soooooooooo ready for you! 

2009 = CHANGE.  

That "missing part"... that I've been talking about this quarter...

I know what it is now.

I knew that it was something in my heart but I couldn't understand what exactly. I thought it was that rewarding feeling that I felt in Costa Rica, so I put in a lot of volunteer hours, but that didn't fill the hole. I thought it was the lack of art and music, so I went to my fave spoken word joint and even tried to pick up my guitar again, and that wasn't it either.  I thought it was not being able to see my family, but I've came home and realized that there was something else that my soul longed for.

Don't get me wrong. These things still made me happy, but there was still a hole. And I'm not talking just about an emotional emptiness, but a PHYSICAL hole. I can actually feel something gone. And although I can get by...I can smile, have fun, allow other things and other people to make me happy, I knew that a part of me was missing.

Last week, after he left my house,  I realized that I felt good in my heart again. So I've been thinking and double thinking and triple thinking a lot... and it finally clicked. As much as I wanted to deny it, I know exactly what was missing in my life.

But now after all has been said and done,  I don't need to go through that whole Ms. Independent phase again in order to get through it. That whole I-can-do-better-so-fuck-you-and-your-uugggglllly-ass-girl typa messed up attitude. Gah. I don't need to flaunt how much I don't need a man to make me happy. I've already conquered that. "I know my worth...I've learned how to love myself..." yea yea yea. That's like Michael Jordan being proud that he can dunk. I'm over that hype. 

But that mastery of independence scares me. It's getting scary to know how good I am at being good by myself.  I WANT to fall in love again. I WANT to feel that good feeling in my heart again.

But that's why its even scarier to think that there could be something close to the supernatural that keeps making us bump into each other's lives. No matter what's going on, there is a possibility that there is something beyond human control that turns us into magnets, something that periodically throws reminders and pulls us back together. That's scary because even if it were true...if there were such thing as a thing called destiny, it doesn't change the reality.

But luckily over the years, I've gained something else that can help me--- Faith. 

Faith that everything happens for a reason and that God's workings always come full circle. 

Faith that what is meant to be will be. 

something's missing - brandy.

"I'm feeling such a vacancy, i don't feel whole

Wish i could put my finger on it but i don't know what it is 

I looked in every place i could seek 

Tried to find the missing part of me 

I can't explain this feeling."

WORD UP.

I really can't explain this feeling but maybe I'll give it a shot. You know when you're about to go on a big trip and then as soon as you leave the house you feel like you left something behind. You're going through your mental checklist, but everything seems to have been packed. You look at your baggage, and it all looks complete. But then there's a tiny voice in the back of your head tells you that you forgot something-- that something feels wrong. Something's feels like its missing and you don't know what it is...or maybe in my case I just don't wanna believe that I really do need it.

taking a blog break in the library.

Is the bible the absolute truth?
Or do we pick and choose what we want to believe in?

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

HAHA. Carol sent that to me and I like it.
May love overpower all hate in the world!

Nonetheless..the message in THIS bible verse is what I'm strivin' off right now.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.





Prayed last night and asked to show me some kinda light...

*Ashish called me and read me a quote: " Don't curse the darkness when you can light another candle."
* Melanie randomly IMed me and shared some inspirational bible verses
* Mary randomly IMed me and told me that the world needs more positive minds like mine.
* I really didn't lose what I thought I lost. It was in the car. Ha!


Call it coincidence or God given signs....
I'm feeling better =)

I'm not leaving the library til 8:30am. FINALS!

I've finally found some inner motivation --- kinda late. But hey. Better late than never right?

can't stop. won't stop.

<3 Jah Bless.

when it rains, it pours.

I have an old habit of adding all my problems up and laying in them all at once.

UCLA, this degree betta be worth it.

Whenever I'm stressed about things, I seem to lose my head about other responsibilities. I forget, postpone, neglect, misplace, and lose my shiiiiit.

This feeling is all too familiar.
Cut me some slack, will ya?

And as I'm loathing in self-pity...a voice inside of me is telling me that I'm wasting my time with frustration.

*Inhale. Exhale.*

-- gotta get back up. cuz the world aint gonna wait.

Note to Self: ( even though this whole blog is a random array of notes to myself )
Don't take your frustrations out on other people. Take responsibility (key word of the day)  of your own actions! 

Keep peace in your head & heart. 

Because it's so NECESSARY: 

"Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."

- DALAI LAMA