That "missing part"... that I've been talking about this quarter...

I know what it is now.

I knew that it was something in my heart but I couldn't understand what exactly. I thought it was that rewarding feeling that I felt in Costa Rica, so I put in a lot of volunteer hours, but that didn't fill the hole. I thought it was the lack of art and music, so I went to my fave spoken word joint and even tried to pick up my guitar again, and that wasn't it either.  I thought it was not being able to see my family, but I've came home and realized that there was something else that my soul longed for.

Don't get me wrong. These things still made me happy, but there was still a hole. And I'm not talking just about an emotional emptiness, but a PHYSICAL hole. I can actually feel something gone. And although I can get by...I can smile, have fun, allow other things and other people to make me happy, I knew that a part of me was missing.

Last week, after he left my house,  I realized that I felt good in my heart again. So I've been thinking and double thinking and triple thinking a lot... and it finally clicked. As much as I wanted to deny it, I know exactly what was missing in my life.

But now after all has been said and done,  I don't need to go through that whole Ms. Independent phase again in order to get through it. That whole I-can-do-better-so-fuck-you-and-your-uugggglllly-ass-girl typa messed up attitude. Gah. I don't need to flaunt how much I don't need a man to make me happy. I've already conquered that. "I know my worth...I've learned how to love myself..." yea yea yea. That's like Michael Jordan being proud that he can dunk. I'm over that hype. 

But that mastery of independence scares me. It's getting scary to know how good I am at being good by myself.  I WANT to fall in love again. I WANT to feel that good feeling in my heart again.

But that's why its even scarier to think that there could be something close to the supernatural that keeps making us bump into each other's lives. No matter what's going on, there is a possibility that there is something beyond human control that turns us into magnets, something that periodically throws reminders and pulls us back together. That's scary because even if it were true...if there were such thing as a thing called destiny, it doesn't change the reality.

But luckily over the years, I've gained something else that can help me--- Faith. 

Faith that everything happens for a reason and that God's workings always come full circle. 

Faith that what is meant to be will be.